(GEOFF walks on stage. His dress is business casual: slacks, polo shirt. The slacks and polo shirt don’t quite match, but don’t obviously mismatch)
GEOFF: I own two towels. One is Monday Wednesday Friday. And the other is Tuesday Thursday. I don’t have a weekend towel because I don’t shower on the weekends. I just think, what’s the reason. So I have two towels, and while one of them is in use, the other is drying. I know what you’re thinking: doesn’t one towel wear out sooner than the other one, because I use one towel three times a week and the other only two. The answer is this: every two weeks, I switch towels. So my Monday Wednesday Friday towel becomes my Tuesday Thursday towel, and my Tuesday Thursday towel becomes, you get it. That way both towels accumulate the same amount of wear. I wash these towels every two months, on the last weekend of every odd month. January, March, May, etc. etc. Why only every two months, isn’t that unsanitary? No, it’s not unsanitary. Well, I don’t know anything about it, really, but it saves on water and detergent. And I really find the need to only wash my towels once every two months. You have to trust me on this. The only way to ensure that your towels are thoroughly and appropriately cleaned is to wash them by hand. You put them in a washing machine, you never know what comes out. Also they get all linty. Also they might fall apart, after a year or eighteen months or so. You have to do it by hand. I buy new towels every two years. The old towels I tear apart and use for rags, except that I never have any use for rags. Just not my thing, rags just aren’t my thing. So I have a large assortment of dark blue rags accumulating in my basement. I only buy dark blue towels, it really is the best color for a towel, one that hides stains and blemishes, yet still remains aesthetically pleasing. Look: here’s the thing: you don’t want to skimp on your towels. This is essential. Look, you can’t just…go through life thinking it’ll take care of itself. Yes? Right? You need to look out for yourself. And don’t just take the first towels that look good on the shelf. They’re nice and fluffy on the shelf. But bring them home, and use them, and soon you have…little flakes, little towel flakes all over you. Even if you wash the towels first, you still get the little towel bits. This is essential, you can’t just pick any towels. And it’s usually the expensive ones, the fancy ones, that get that towel lint all over your skin. You want the cheap ones, but not the ones that are so cheap that they fall apart after a month, or that they fall apart when they’re washed the first time after being used two months. You know? It’s just…you have to have principles. You think it doesn’t matter, but that’s the mark of a true man. He cares about the things that don’t matter. But they really do matter. I mean, there’s a line. Between what matters and what doesn’t. A man can’t care about what doesn’t matter. Unless it really does matter. Never mind, it’s hard to explain, the point is: look: you need to have a system. That’s the only way. That’s the only way. You know, you can’t, you have to have something. This is why I hate traveling. You know? It messes up my towel schedule. Which: you know: don’t—…just, don’t.